Reflections on the Kubler-Ross Model of Grief
From working years with hospice patients at the end of life, I think the Kubler-Ross model of grief is very powerful.
The heart of her view is that you cannot get to Acceptance at the end of the journey of life without the hard work of first dealing with the other stages.
It seems impossible to just jump into Acceptance without first dealing with your deep desire for Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression as you face death as a personal reality in life.
The really hard work of facing death is being willing to re-define your life in no uncertain terms.
For every human being on Planet Earth there seems to be two great, defining questions:
Who am I? And then: Whose am I?
The first question asks how do I see myself and how do I fit into the vast cosmic scheme of things in all creation?
We are very conditioned, almost from the moment of birth (maybe even conception?) to see ourselves as a separate, independent person. We define ourselves, especially in the modern Western world, by how much we accumulate -not simply in terms of wealth and power, but also in terms of knowledge, experience, and ideals. Simply put, the more we accumulate in and for ourselves, the more worth and value we have in the world.
This view may be very true in terms of society, but it is NOT true in terms of our heart and soul. In fact, the opposite is true. The more we see life as a gift that we graciously receive moment by moment, the more our lives become rich and meaningful. Opening yourself up to receive love, joy, peace and -compassion from the Universe moment by moment is the secret of all the saints and the mystics that have lived on the Earth, regardless of their faith tradition, East or West.
So, the really hard work of dealing with Denial is being willing to fundamentally re-shape Yourself. Perhaps a better way to put this it is the willingness to be reshaped. It is to answer the question, “Who am I” by seeing yourself as more than a separate person that accumulates things in the world, be it material, emotional, or spiritual things. With the denial of anything meaningful outside of your ideas, and your thoughts and your feelings, you are stuck in your own little, self-contained universe. With the reality of death in your life, this little universe is challenged as never before.
You really can go two ways with the real possibility of death in life. One is to become very bitter, and then angry and depressed about having your little universe shattered, or at the very least threatened to be destroyed. Many are terrified of the perceived end of the personal little world that they live in.
The other possibility is to let go of this little personal universe and embrace the true, real universe that comes an amazing gift in every Present Moment of life. This is a new universe that has its own shape and form. Seeing each breath as a gift of the universe totally re-defines how you see reality. Each moment is precious simply because YOU did not create it, and YOU do not define it. It is living from the position of bringing a “Yes” to the Present Moment, however that moment might choose to unfold.
Living in your own little universe is like bringing a “No” to much of what unfolds moment by moment. You pick and choose what fits your reality and what does not.
The heart of all spiritual teachings is that we suffer for a very, very simple reason. When we choose to live in our self-contained universe and bring a “No” to how the true universe unfolds, we create the suffering we experience. When we simply receive the Present Moment as a gift, regardless of how it unfolds, we come to the end of suffering. It’s really that simple.
So, the truly hard work of dealing with Denial is coming up new answers to the question of “Who am I” and “Whose am I”.
For many people, the reality of death in life is the very first time that they are really willing to ask these questions in a real and honest way.
Often the first answers are simply in the head, in thought. Answering these questions is an intellectual exercise and not much more. But just being willing to see the questions and come up with honest answers is the real step of a lifetime.
The greatest change in life comes when a person is willing to live each moment differently, for each moment is really YOU giving an answer to these questions.
Dealing with Denial is the chance to really wake up and live. It means living as more than a socially conditioned person that just accumulates and it means becoming a real child of the Universe. It is the end of suffering and the beginning of real life.
So, it is no wonder that Denial is such a challenge today. Denial is the doorway to a new way of life and a closing of the door to an old way of seeing things and living. It is a door that is frightening to many, but it is the door to really living your life with joy and peace.